My 95 Theses

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In the year 1517 Martin Luther nailed his 95 Theses to the door of a church.

If he were alive today I think he would nail these 95 These’s to the metaphorical door of the evangelical Christian church:

1. No using the Bible as a weapon.

2. No bringing shame in Jesus name.

3. The church is no longer allowed to be a business.

4. The worship service is no longer allowed to be a concert.

5. The worship service is no longer allowed to be a concert…unless Bono goes to your church.

6. The pastor is no longer allowed to be a celebrity.

7. The pastor is no longer allowed to a best selling New York Times author… or pretend to be…

8. You are no longer allowed to say who is a Christian or who isn’t, saved or not saved, holy or not holy.

9. No more worrying about building bigger churches- instead worry about building bigger Christians.

10. No more using Jesus to sell your music, movie, book, or product.

11. No more using Jesus to sell your music, movie, book, or product….unless it helps to make money off of Christians…oh wait.

12. You no longer are allowed to say your interpretation of the Bible is the better one.

13. Unless of course yours is the better one…

14. You are no longer allowed to say your denomination is the better one.

15. See number 13.

16. You are no longer allowed to call yourselves Newsboys anymore since you keep changing band members.

17. You are no longer allowed to say your political party is the “Christian “ party.

18. All churches must bring back the church potluck.

19. You are no longer allowed to spend more money on the amenities of your church building than you do on the poor and marginalized in your city.

20. No more church greeters.

21. If Donald Trump is God’s Chose one…than Walt Disney was truly cryogenically frozen.

22. No more TBN.

23. No more VIP parking in your church parking lots…I’m looking at you Joel Osteen.

24. All churches are required to have a puppet ministry.

25. Be less condemning and humorous on church marquees.

26. No more blaming the people leaving your church on the people leaving your church.

27. John MacArthur must earn a masters degree in women studies before he’s allowed to preach again.

28. No matter what degree is earned John MacArthur is not allowed to preach again and must “go home”.

29. Never worship Satan or believe in the prosperity gospel.

30. No more condemning people. Only Pharisees.

Note: pharisees aren’t people- they are an unloving attitude of the heart.

31. No really, you can’t say you love God and hate people.

32. No more being the ONLY person who makes sounds and comments while the pastor is preaching, like, “uh-huh, yep, that’s right, mmmhmm.”

33. You’re only allowed to say “Blessings” once per day.

34. Any one caught saying “Bless their heart” will not be allowed into heaven.

35. No one under 80 years old is allowed to say “God bless you.”

36. From now on no one is allowed to refer to worship music as “contemporary”, “traditional”, or “music.”

37. The Power Team will make a comeback tour under their new name: Mark Driscoll & Seeker Insensitivity Team

38. If your name is found written in the book of life or Billy Graham’s journal you will be allowed into heaven.

39. If Christianity is ever up for debate: send Timothy Keller. Even when he’s wrong, he sounds right.

40. Racism, Homophobia, Sexism, or the like will no longer be tolerated in Christian churches…I’m looking at you, Bible Belt.

41. Everyone is allowed to deconstruct their faith for a maximum of 12 months as long as when their faith is reconstructed they agree with everything John Piper theologically believes in afterwards.

42. Any church leadership team that decided it is still okay to have a “say hi to someone seated near you,” during a church service, will be shot – no questions asked.

43. No one is allowed to teach the book of Revelation or the Noah’s Arc story to the Kids Sunday School class.

44. No more Carmen.

45. Anyone caught pretending to speak in tongues will not be allowed in heaven.

46. Pastors- No more “culturally relevant puns” for your sermon titles like “The STRANGER THINGS of God.”

47. Any coffee bar in your church lobby must be a licensed Starbucks- only. No exceptions.

48. No more saving seats with hymn books or offering envelopes.

49. No more flags. Ever. Yes, Debbie- we are talking to you.

50. No more scaring people into salvation with dressing up like Satan and having members of your church dress up like demons and decorating your church like hell.

51. All Sunday School/ Kids church lessons MUST use felt figures and flannel boards.

52. Francis Chan must feel God calling himself to something different every 6 months or he’s not really hearing from God.

53. Grace isn’t a license to sin; but wherever sin abounds grace abounds even more- you do the math.

54. Proof-texting is now considered heresy.

55. The amount of repentance needed to be saved will be determined by John MacArthur, John Piper, one of thief’s on the cross, and the woman caught in adultery.

56. No more Kirk Cameron movies.

57. Wine or Grape Juice. Pick a lane and stay in it.

58. The words in red mean that Jesus meant what he said.

59. Shane Claiborne is a real Christian- I’m not sure about the rest of you.

60. WWJD? Probably not buy a private jet in the name of “ministry” when 2/3 of the world is hungry.

61. If Jesus turns out to be anything like John MacArthur – switch to Buddhism.

62. All churches are now required to have Keto-friendly substitutes for communion type like cauliflower crackers.

63. Not a proposition- but an observation: I’m so glad the movie made about the band MERCY ME was called “I can only imagine.” Because if they had named the movie MERCY ME they would be in quite the pickle if they ever wanted to make a sequel- #mercymetoo

64. Jesus didn’t command anyone to be theologically correct- he commanded you to love.

65. All baptismal pastors are now required to be CPR certified.

66. On Halloween all Christians must watch those rapture movies made in the 1970’s.

67. If two or three are gathered in Jesus name and He is there- that sure sounds like a church to me.

68. No one is allowed to call themselves a Christian anymore- so the only way to see what type of tree she or he is will be by looking at their fruit.

69. Christians are now required to have three Christmas trees in their home- one for each member of the trinity.

70. “The Holy Spirit feels like the forgotten member of the trinity.”

-The Holy Spirit

71. “Ringo is to the Beatles what the Holy Spirit is to the Trinity.”

-The Holy Spirit

72. If cussing is a sin then everyone needs to throw their King James Bible in the trash because that damn thing says ass a whole lot.

73. No more lying to your pastor that you listen to their podcast.

74. You’re church is probably going to die if you are still marketing to people on MySpace.

75. “End of times” Christians are like the crazy family member that you try to avoid at family reunions.

76. America gave you the right to bear arms. Jesus did not.

77. I heard they are still making Veggie Tales. Why?

78. “Who would win in a fist fight Billy Graham or Mother Theresa? Doesn’t matter- all Catholics are going to hell anyway.”

-John MacArthur

79. Remember when everyone was talking about Kanye being a Christian for a solid 4 days straight?

80. I wish Einstein were still alive to help me figure out how to save Christianity from all the bullshit.

81. Ok, Kirk Cameron can do one more movie:


(Insert picture of Kirk Cameron helping Jesus stand up.)

82. Donald Miller must legally change his name to Donald Story or Story Miller or Story Story.

83. Audio Adrenaline you are no longer allowed to call yourselves Audio Adrenaline if you keep changing band members.

84. Jeffery Epstein did not kill himself.

85. If you don’t believe the way I do you are going to hell.

86. Bob Goff does.

87. “Guys I’m still here.”

-The Holy Spirit

88. The Atonement Theory is only a theory. One of many. I didn’t know that either. I know- no one told me either. Crazy.

89. Jesus wept. The fundamentalist yelled. The Charismatic spoke in tongues. Mars Hill closed. Mark Driscoll planted a new church. And the Newsboys got a new lead singer.

90. “Jesus wasn’t white?”

-White Evangelicals

91. Love the Giver of Gifts more than the Gifts!

92. Jesus loves so you don’t have to hate.

93. Jesus said to love your neighbor not to shame him because he doesn’t look like, act like, believe like, think like you. But you’re right- you are better. **Sarcasm included

94. “Still here.”

-The Holy Spirit

95. Aaand the Newsboys just replaced their lead singer. Again.

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